Unspeakable
by TamaraJagellovsk
Summary: Jack had been a prisoner. His team gets him back, but he's not his usual self. Whump. Sexual content.
1. Chapter 1

**Unspeakable**

**A/N: This is my first try at Jack whump. No specific time frame or episode. No explicit content, but hints...like the title suggests. So just to be on the safe side – rated M.**

He just wouldn't talk. When he was asked to look at someone, he did. When Janet told him what she wanted to do – run a test, increase his medication – he complied, but he wouldn't say a single word. Sam couldn't stand the look in his eyes. Like he was completely empty, no spark, no pride, no will left in him. She just couldn't bring herself to go visit any more.

She had been sitting with him for hours while he had drifted in and out of consciousness. She had seen the pain in his bruised and beaten face whenever he had been awake for a moment. She hadn't seen the bruises on his body and Janet refused her access to his medical file, stating that a) she had no right and b) she wouldn't **want** to see it.

But now that he was fully awake Sam just stopped visiting. Janet kept her informed though: His physical wounds were healing quite well considering his very bad shape. He had been malnourished when he was rescued and while he hadn't been conscious she had him running on IV. After he came to she had tried to get some food into him, but though he obediently ate, he just couldn't keep it down. They had tried tube feeding him, but he had even vomited the liquid nutrition. So he was back on IV. It kept him alive but did nothing to improve his bad shape. He was painfully thin, and the vivid bruises on his face stood out even more prominently against his deadly pale skin.

~o0o~

One morning Janet carefully pulled away a bandage on his chest, suspecting one of the cuts had been infected. Although she went slow and tender it just **had** to hurt - but there wasn't the slightest indication from her patient that he felt anything. No sound, no move, not even a flinch. When she asked him if he wanted some extra painkillers before she went on she didn't get any reaction. And the next day the nurse on duty reported that the colonel had lost a reasonably amount of blood over night. It must have been pouring from one of the fierce gashes in his back. The sheets were soaked in blood, but neither had he called for help – although he had been wide awake when the nurse checked on him – nor did he seem the least worried when she confronted him about it. Together with his inability to keep any food down and the total lack of communication Janet couldn't think of any other conclusion.

"General, I think he has just completely shut down. As if he just couldn't go on and didn't care at all what happens to him. I'm afraid I'll have to hand him over to mental care."

"He won't like that, will he?"

"Sir, that's the worst part – I thing it just won't make any difference to him. He simply takes whatever we do to him, as if he didn't have any say it it all. As if they had beaten that completely out of him. Taught him to endure whatever pain or humiliation without showing even the slightest of reactions. And certainly they taught him not to have an opinion. Not the least bit of free will. It's heart breaking, Sir..."

~o0o~

"Janet, what is it that you don't tell me?"

"Sam?"

"I've seen the colonel in bad shape before. He was tortured before, hell he was tortured to **death** over and over again and still made his recovery. I have never seen him like that. So what is it that they did to him that you are not talking about?"

"I can't tell you, Sam. I'm sorry. This is need to know information."

Sam Carter's face stated clearly that she did need to know, but it didn't change the doc's determination to defend her patient's rights.

So Sam went about hacking into his file.

~o0o~

Janet found her staring at her computer screen. It took her just one look to realize her fellow officer hadn't listened to her. She drew breath to give her a severe talking to – and then she saw Sam's face. She sat in what looked perfectly like shock, eyes wide and silent tears running down her cheeks.

Janet put a hand on her friend's shoulder.

"You shouldn't have done that, Sam", she said, but it wasn't an accusation. Janet felt sorry for the major. She perfectly remembered feeling exactly the same when she had completed her examination of the colonel's injuries and the implication of her findings had sunken in.

"I just can't believe it, Janet", she whispered, still crying. Her heart ached for the proud man the colonel had been. "Is there any indication of...how many times?"

Janet sighed and shook her head.

"Just more than once – and over a period of time."

Sam's face crumpled and she ducked her head as if to avoid being hit.

"That's why there is nothing left in him. They just broke him, making him take whatever they inflicted on him and not even allowing him to show pain or try to protect himself...thus the gashes on his back? Punishment?"

Janet simply nodded, tears in her eyes.

"Remember when he first woke up? We had put him on his stomach to avoid pressure to his back injuries. When he realized his back was exposed he panicked...only at the time I didn't understand why. That was the only thing he communicated – that he would for nothing in the world accept to be on his stomach. His back must have hurt more than I can imagine, but still he insisted on lying on those wounds rather than his stomach."

~o0o~

Sam stayed on base that night, knowing she wouldn't sleep anyway. For a while she tried to work, but it didn't go very well. Sometime in the early morning hours she finally made up her mind.

When she came into his room he was awake. He lay perfectly still, his eyes fixed on the ceiling. She pulled a chair next to his bed and sat down. For quite some time she simply looked at his face. It took all her strength not to look away, but she managed. Then she addressed him, softly, almost tenderly.

"Sir?"

She wasn't really expecting him to react, and he didn't.

"Sir, please look at me."

Now that worked. He turned his head, obediently, as if someone else did it for him, and looked into her eyes. Only in his there was nothing there.

"Sir may I please touch you?", she went on, still very carefully monitoring for reactions, signs of refuse or approval. Nothing. "Please?"

For almost an hour she sat with him trying to get a reaction from him.

"Sir, I know they taught you differently, but you do have a say in these things. You know I would never do anything you don't want me to. Please give me permission."

And all of a sudden something changed. Jack O'Neill's eyes lost the hard, cold and blank stare for the fraction of a second and turned soft. He gave the smallest of nods never breaking away from her gaze. She had to fight the tears. Very carefully she extended her hand and touched his face, her fingertips barely brushing his cheek. It took her completely by surprise when he moved into her touch – and it almost undid her to see his defenses fall apart. He was so in need...and she wrapped her arms around him and held him for what seemed like forever.

That was when Jack O'Neill started to come back to his friends.

**What do you think?**


	2. Chapter 2

**Unspeakable still**

**A/N: Originally this wasn't meant to have more than one chapter, but since some of you have asked for more – you know who you are :-) **

**Just a short little chapter to check if I'm going in the right direction with this. Please note that I don't know anything about trauma treatment and not too much about medicine and the way I write it is probably completely wrong from a professional point or view.**

The first thing Sam did the next morning was to go see Dr. Fraiser.

"Janet?"

The doc looked up from the file she was reading.

"Sam! You OK?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. I just thought I tell you..."

All of a sudden she wasn't too sure anymore what exactly she was supposed to say. Janet was Jack's doctor, so of course she had to know about any changes in his condition. But had there really been that much of a change? Maybe she had imagined it? Willing it to happen? He still hadn't said a word! And what if he preferred it to stay between the two of them?

Sam was drawn from her train of thought when Janet touched her arm.

"Are you sure you're OK?"

"Yes, it's not about me. Last night I came here to sit with the colonel."

Janet was surprised. She knew Sam hadn't been visiting for a while, so she just looked a her fellow officer and waited for her to go on.

"Something happened", Sam confessed. For some reason she was uncomfortable with talking about it. When Janet didn't respond she inhaled and started again:

"I sat with him, trying to get a reaction from him. And – finally I did!"

"What? That's great! I mean – what kind of a reaction?"

All of a sudden Janet looked worried. Sam was her friend, but Jack O'Neill was her patient. It was obvious whom she was most loyal to.

"A good one, I think", Sam answered and smiled a little shyly, remembering the way he had reacted to her touch.

~o0o~

When Sam entered Jack's room he looked right at her. Nothing showed in his face, but he didn't turn away either. He just kept looking at her as if he was waiting for her to do something, anything. Whatever she might want to do.

"Sir" she said by way of greeting. She held his eyes and smiled, a small, careful smile. He didn't return it. All of a sudden she wanted nothing more than to see him smile. That genuine Jack O'Neill smile that made him look ten years younger. It seemed to belong to another life, to another man. She took the chair she had sat in during the night and tried to be comfortable.

"About last night..."

She hadn't had that sentence fully planned, but whatever she could have said died on her lips when she saw his face. His eyes had been blank before, but now there was sheer horror. He didn't move, but he looked like he wanted to crawl into the wall behind him, to get away from her as far as possible. Sam fought back the tears.

"Sir, please!", she said very softly. "It's me. Last night I thought you liked me being with you. Do you want me to leave?"

"No!", he rushed out. He sounded desperate, his voice a mere breath. Sam was utterly surprised to hear him speak at all – and Jack was alarmed. As if he had been caught in something he hadn't been allowed to do. Sam tried not to make a big deal of the fact that he just had spoken for the first time since they had gotten him back.

"OK sir, I won't. I'm not going anywhere if you don't want me to. It's alright. I'm here."

She could **see** him relax. For the first time since she had entered he looked away, but it didn't feel like he avoided her gaze. Finally he closed his eyes and settled more comfortably on the bed, his head relaxing into the pillow.

"Is there anything I can do for you, sir?"

After a while he shook his head.

"No, just...be here. Please."

Sam smiled and nodded once. And because he couldn't see that she simply said:

"Always."


	3. Chapter 3

The following days Sam made sure she visited her CO whenever possible. She would sit with him for a while, sometimes reporting to him the day's latest news, sometimes just keeping him company.

More and more he responded to her, still shy, but improving. He did listen to Dr. Fraiser, even answering her questions. But he still didn't react well to Daniel or Teal'c. In fact he didn't react to Daniel at all – and he seemed intimidated by Teal'c.

~o0o~

Sam was working in her lab when she noticed somebody at her open door. For a moment she expected the colonel, and that thought made her so sad she had to swallow once. Actually it was Janet. She usually didn't come to Sam's lab, so the major looked expectantly at the doc. Janet closed the door. Huh?

"Sam, I was thinking...since the colonel seems to respond best to you, do you think you could get him to eat some soup? I'd like to try putting on a diet. He needs to get off the IV."

Sam looked unsure but nodded.

"Well, of course. I'll try. But..."

"That might make a big difference, Sam. Just try, OK?"

So when it was time for a break Sam went to the cafeteria to get some soup for the colonel. After a moment of hesitating she decided to take another bowl for herself. It actually smelled quite good!

She entered Jack's room a bowl in each hand. From his frown it was very clear he didn't share Janet's eagerness concerning food. Sam smiled at him, sat one bowl down within his reach and settled into "her" chair with the other.

"Uh, Carter, I don't think that's such a good idea." It was soft, but it was a hint of the man he had been. She looked at him and decided to try a not so serious approach.

"Yeah, well, I know. Mess hall food and everything. But how about I go first, so if I don't die from it, you can try, too?"

Did he just smile? Really? She couldn't help but say it.

"Sir, did you just smile at me?"

Yep, he did. Oh god how she had missed that. Encouraged, she took a spoonful, swallowed and then gestured at him to do the same.

His face turned stern. It was obvious he didn't want to try. Sam put the bowl down and turned to fully look at him.

"Please, sir. I know it didn't go so well thus far, but wouldn't you like to get rid of these?" She indicated the IV needle in his arm. Resigned, even defeated he took up his spoon, like he knew there was no use in it, but anxious to please her. She tried not to stare but couldn't take her eyes off him. After one sip he closed his eyes and concentrated on breathing, fighting the nausea. Surprisingly, his stomach calmed down quickly and it even felt good - warm and soothing. Since he hadn't cared at all about the taste he took another sip and found out it was quite good. Sam smiled a real smile, one that made her eyes sparkle. Maybe there was some moisture in them. She blinked once to get rid of it and beamed at her CO.

"See? Both of us still alive...sir."

They finished the soup – well actually Sam finished hers, Jack didn't manage all of it – in silence. Afterwards they looked at each other. Jack still seemed to wait for disaster to happen, but he had to admit he felt good.

"Thank you, Carter", he said, still holding her gaze. She got up, collected the bowls and smiled at him.

"Always a pleasure to spend my lunch break with you, sir."

When she turned to leave, Janet entered the room. Noting the bowls she raised an eyebrow at Sam and then turned to Jack.

"How do you feel, sir?"

Clearly encouraged by his recent success he actually looked at Janet, albeit a little unsure.

"I think I'm OK, doc."

Janet turned to look at Sam once more before she asked the colonel about nausea and being sick. Still smiling, Sam left them to a doctor patient talk.

"So, colonel, if you still feel good in a few hours I'd like to talk to you about your diet. If you stick to it and things go well, I figure there might be cake in a couple of days. What do you think?"

TBC


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: So - THE revelation is coming your way. This is the crucial chapter for me so I'm eager to read your reviews. Thank you to anyone who took the time to review or PM me and for following.**

**To AJ: Glad you like it!**

A couple of days later there actually **was **cake. Apart from a slight nausea every now and then Jack had adapted well, and he'd never been really sick. The IV needle came out, and it was a massive relief to him as well to Sam and the infirmary team. When things looked stable the doc decided to

release him to his quarters. She didn't want him to leave base yet, just to be on the safe side. Quite a lot of the old Jack O'Neill seemed to be back during **that **discussion, but being confronted with Dr. Fraiser's grim determination to keep an eye on him – in her words "it's either your quarters or the infirmary, your choice" - he finally gave in. Sam walked him there and waited for him to get settled. There seemed to be something on her mind, but she wouldn't spill. When there was nothing left to do she turned to the door.

"Carter?" His voice stopped her. She turned around and looked at him.

"What's up with you?"

She was surprised that he had noticed. Apparently he had come a long way from the locked in, deeply traumatized man he had been. Some of the old awareness was back. He was taking in his surroundings, and he wasn't afraid to speak his mind. At least with her. Which was exactly the point.

"Sir, I was wondering...since you seem to be a lot better, have you spoken to Daniel or Teal'c yet?"

The colonel's jaw set. He broke their eye contact and swallowed. Then he drew a deep breath and shook his head.

"They are worried, sir. When we got you back you acted like we were strangers, and as far as the guys are concerned that still hasn't changed. They don't understand..."

Without looking at her he said in an very low voice:

"It's not their fault. It's just that I feel - ", he inhaled, "I'm...more comfortable around women."

And after a little while he went on, still avoiding her eyes, his voice almost too low to catch:

"Do you know what happened to me out there?"

The floor seemed to drop from under Sam's feet. She took a few steps back into the room and grabbed the back of a chair to steady herself.

"Yes, sir, I do. I know I shouldn't, not unless you wanted to share, but I just had to know. You were so...miserable, so defeated. I had seen you go through so much and still come out stronger, I just didn't understand. Janet wouldn't tell me, of course. So I – hacked into your medical file. I know that's betraying your trust, and in fact it's a reason to press charges against me. If you decide to do so I will fully cooperate. Sir."

All the time she had kept her eyes to the floor, but now she looked straight at him.

"I am sorry, sir. I shouldn't have done it."

"How much exactly was in that file?"

He simply ignored her speech as well as her apology.

"Um, sir, are you **alright **with what I did?"

"How much?", he demanded.

She just couldn't do this. Searching for words she tried:

"No detail of what happened of course, but the conclusions that Janet drew from your injuries. And from your behavior. And I think I - understand why you have trouble being around men, sir."

"Say it."

"What?" She couldn't believe what she had just heard.

"Beg your pardon, sir?"

"Name it. What do you think these bastards did to me?"

Sam still couldn't believe they were having this conversation. And he was getting more and more upset. She briefly closed her eyes and said:

"We believe that you were raped, sir. And more than once."

She couldn't help the tears shooting to her eyes. Through the ringing in her ears she barely caught his reply, but she did catch the bitterness in his voice:

"Yeah you can bet on more than once."

He turned his back on her, hiding his expression. Sam felt her heart break again, like it had when she had read his file. She was unable to think of anything she might say, so she stepped closer and lightly put her hand on his shoulder. He froze.

"Please...let me help you", she whispered.

He shot around, making her step back.

"And what exactly do you think you could be doing for me, **major**?"

His voice was acid, and the way he said it her rank sounded like an insult.

Sam just couldn't stand it, and there was nothing she could have said. She turned and fled.


	5. Chapter 5

**Since RL has been a bitch I can only offer you a short chapter. There is more to come. I thought I'd make things a little worse for Jack (and Sam) before I consider making them better *evil me*.**

**Thank you for following and for your kind words.**

The first night Jack was allowed to spend out of the infirmary didn't feel like he had expected. He was restless suddenly being alone, and he was upset about Sam violating his privacy. And incredibly embarrassed because she knew. He would have to talk to her in the morning. He tried to make himself comfortable and to calm his nerves so he could get some sleep. A good night's sleep in the privacy of his quarters rather than the infirmary, where he always felt exposed, was supposed to be a good thing, for crying out loud. Better still, he should be on his couch, having a beer or two and watching Homer make a fool of himself. Home, sweet home, he thought, and it was very appealing. But he knew the drill: he would have to play nice with the doc in order to get what he wanted. It took him almost an hour to wind down and fall asleep.

He jerked awake covered in sweat, scared to the bone and deeply irritated. Great. Nightmares. He should have expected that. He tried to remember what it was that he had seen, but couldn't. All he remembered was a feeling: despair. The deepest, darkest, most hopeless despair he had ever felt, and it still held him in its claws, was still wrapped around him, even now that he was awake. He wasn't completely sure if the moisture on his face really wasn't anything else but sweat. His heart was racing and he stared into the darkness fighting to get a grip on himself. Suddenly he couldn't stand the utter darkness of his room, so he switched on the lamp on his nightstand. Better.

When he woke up the next morning he didn't feel rested at all. Surely he had been sleeping, but it had been a restless, troubled sleep and he vaguely remembered the nightmare he had had. He quickly made the decision not to tell the doc about it. He was due to check in with her first thing in the morning. On his way to the infirmary he ran into Sam. She hesitated, remembering their last encounter, but then she pulled herself together.

"Good morning, sir."

"Morning, major."

She checked his face for any sign of his mood, but he was a difficult man to read. And she felt awkward around him these days. She wasn't sure how to approach him after the way she had run from his quarters – or after the way he had talked to her before she had run. No way would she confront him about it in a hallway, but surely they had to sort that out sooner rather than later. Apparently he was uncomfortable, too. He told her he had to get to the doc and walked on.

"Sir – please wait up."

He stopped but didn't turn at once. When he finally did she noticed the tightness around his eyes and the tension in his shoulders. She had seen him like that before.

"Bad night?"

"Yeah."

He nodded, avoiding her eyes.

"Is there anything I can -"

"Hell, Carter, how many times do I have to tell you this. You can't help me here. Just leave it, OK?"

Turning back to head to the infirmary he simply left her standing with her mouth not literally, but figuratively open and her heart sinking.

~o0o~

TBC


	6. Chapter 6

**I know I said the next chapter would be longer, but it's such a nice cliffhanger *evil me again***

**J**ack's check-up was done and the doc seemed satisfied with the results. He had admitted that he hadn't slept very well – that had been obvious anyway – but the doc wasn't too worried about that. She expected him to settle into the new situation quickly. Physically he had recovered well, put most of the lost weight back on, and apart from the scars on his back he was just fine. While he put his shirt back on and buttoned it he looked at the doc, who was writing something on her ever present clipboard.

"What!"

"I didn't say anything, sir."

"I can hear you **think**, doc. Spill."

Janet looked up to face him.

"I know that you have every right to decide for yourself what you are willing to talk about, and who to. But please don't lash out at those closest to you."

"I'm being more cooperative than I've ever been, doc."

"I'm not talking about myself, colonel."  
>"Did Carter come running to you?"<p>

He knew the flash of temper that he saw in the doc's eyes. She was about to dress him down not giving a fuck about his rank. But apparently she reined in her temper this time. Instead she took a step closer.

"She's miserable, sir. She thinks you're mad at her for hacking your file and believes you are going to press charges. She feels terribly guilty about it, but she said you wouldn't hear her apology."

"She hacked into my file! She should have known better. Maybe I **should **press charges!"

"Sir, I agree that she shouldn't have done it. But are you really upset because of her breach of trust, or are you worried about how she will deal with what she found?"

"She's my subordinate, doc; a member of my team. Supposed to obey my orders. Do you really think she should know this about me?"

"No, she shouldn't. At least not from hacking your file. But she's not only your subordinate, she's also your friend. She was worried to death and as helpless as all of us when they got you back in that horrible state. She just had to find out what was wrong with you. And she did help you come back, didn't she?"

~o0o~

Jack appeared at Sam's door with his usual stealth. She didn't hear him approach. She only looked up when she noticed a movement.

"Peace offering", he said, holding out a glass of jell-o.

She smiled a small smile and took it from him.

"Sir, I'd like to apologize again for what I did. It was a severe breach -"  
>"Don't. The doc gave me some talking-to about the way I treated you, Carter. I'm sorry. You didn't deserve that. I am not mad at you for hacking the file, and I won't press charges. I just can't stand the fact that you know. Looking at me like the pathetic victim I obviously am."<p>

Sam flinched at the self contempt in his voice.

"Look, I don't think I have thanked you enough for what you did for me. But it's still true what I said: there is nothing you can do for me about – you know. I am not talking to you about it. In fact I'm not planning on talking about it, period."

When she remained silent he stepped a little closer:

"Are we good?"

Sam nodded, and he closed the distance. Standing right in front of her he said softly:

"I'll be alright, Carter. I'll deal with it my way. There **is** nothing you can do, OK?"

It still broke her heart, but she finally decided to accept his decision. It was his decision after all. So she simply said:

"OK, sir."

After he had left her lab she looked at the door with a frown on her face that simply didn't cease.

"I really wish there was something I could do", she said to herself. And something came to her mind.

~o0o~

TBC

**Don't you agree with me about the cliffhanger? ;-) Think of it as a two-parter, part two coming soon. Promise.**


	7. Chapter 7

**For those who read chapter 7 before I took it down: please read again, I made a minor change. And I added a little bit. Thank you for following**

"Dr. Karen Shen's office, my name is Amy?"

"Hi, this is Samantha Carter. I used to be Dr. Shen's patient when I was a child. Could I talk to her, please?"

"I'll see if I can patch you through, ma'am."

"Shen?"

"Hi doctor, this is Samantha Carter. I'm not sure if you remember me."

"Of course! When Amy told me you were on the line it took me a moment – you used to be called 'Sam' back then, right?"

Sam smiled.

"Actually I still am."

"How are you, Sam? It's been what – 20 years?"

"Yes, roughly. I'm fine. I followed in my father's footsteps."

"What, you joined the air force? That's the last thing I expected after how difficult your relationship was back then."

They talked a little more, and then Sam got to the point.

"Actually I just wanted to check if you still practice. I might have a client for you, doc."

~o0o~

Jack decided to spend some time in the gym. He would have to take it easy, but it might help him to sleep. He had to regain strength anyway if he didn't want to spend the rest of his life off the roster. He stepped on the treadmill and started at a slow pace, trying to find his rhythm. 15 minutes later the door opened and Daniel Jackson came in. The linguist froze the moment he saw Jack. He had been avoiding his friend since it had become clear he wouldn't respond to him, and he had felt guilty about it all the time. And now he felt like he was intruding. He started to retreat, but when Jack stopped the treadmill he took a step into the room.

"It's OK, Daniel. Come in."

A little unsure Daniel got on another treadmill next to the colonel's, and for another half hour they ran side by side.

Jack's little workout did help him to fall asleep but it didn't prevent the nightmare from coming back.

The next morning Janet wanted to decide whether or not to release him home, so again he didn't tell her. She wasn't completely convinced that he was ready, but he argued that she couldn't keep him "confined" forever, and she had to agree.

When Sam pulled up in front of his house she had a bad feeling about dropping him there and leaving him alone. She certainly didn't want to ask, but finally she brought herself to say:

"I don't think you should be alone tonight, sir. How about I crash on your couch?"

It was such an uncharacteristic thing for her to say that he simply gave her 'the look'. She was clearly uncomfortable, but she had decided she would take on this battle and refused to back down. So she held his gaze until he turned and got out of the car.

"Sir? Are you OK with this?"

He was already on his way to the front door, so she couldn't be sure if he had heard her.

They got her settled on the couch in his living-room and he made his retreat to his bed-room without much conversation. Sam was determined to take first watch, and second, if necessary, at least until she could be sure he was asleep. She lay in the dark, listening to any sound for almost an hour. There was nothing from his bed-room, so she finally allowed herself to drift away.

When she woke up she didn't actually know why. Her trained senses must have detected a change, though now there was no sound. She got up and looked down the hallway. There was a faint light coming from under the bed-room door. She went to knock, but decided differently. Carefully she opened the door a small crack and said his name. When there was no answer she opened the door some more and stuck her head in.

He was lying on his back, his eyes wide open. His gray T-shirt was drenched in sweat. When Sam stepped closer he didn't react at first, but then he snapped out of his stupor and moved away from her.

"It's OK, sir, it's me, Carter. Can I take a seat?"

She stood next to his bed, not moving an inch until he relaxed a little and nodded. So she sat down cautiously on the edge of his bed, careful not to be too close.

"Nightmare, sir?"

He simply closed his eyes. She already thought he might have fallen asleep again when he answered her.

"I don't remember. I never do. I just wake up like this..."

"Are you saying this has happened before?"

"Every night since I got released from the infirmary."

"Does Janet know about it?"

"Carter, it's just dreams. I had those before. I'll live."

"OK. But now that I am here, what can I do?"

He let out a sigh but didn't say anything.

"Sir, I need you to work with me here. I know you think that there is nothing I can do for you, but I don't buy that. Please tell me what you want me to do."

"What do **you** want to do?"

All passive. It was frustrating. She took a deep breath and tried again.

"It's not about what I want, sir. It's about what you need."

"Well maybe what I need is silly."

Suddenly she saw her chance. She kept her tone deliberately casual:

"We'll see, sir. Spill."

He ignored her attempt at lightness, but he reacted to the content.

"I'd like you to call me by my name. Just for the moment."

It was low, almost shy. As if he was afraid she might really find it silly. It cut right through her heart.

"Sure – Jack. I can do that."

It felt weird and inappropriate, but his features softened when he heard her say it. So it was worth it, Sam decided.

"They took it from me", he said, seemingly out of the blue. Before she could ask a question, he went on as if he wanted to get it out of is system in one go.

"They tortured me for hours to get my name, and when I finally gave in they said they would take it from me. That I wasn't Jack anymore. They called me something I didn't understand, said that would be my name from now, and explained what it meant. It's what they call a male animal that was gelded."

His voice was strained.

"So now I need someone I trust, someone – who – cares about me to give it back to me."

Swallowing once Sam said:

"That's OK with me, Jack. I will."

They were silent for a while, but then Sam couldn't hold back anymore.

"Jack, there is something I need to know."

He looked at her and obviously expected something painful.

"What?"

"When you open up to me like this, my instinct is to touch you. Hold you, whatever. I need to know if you'd be alright with that."

He seemed to ponder on that for a moment.

"Remember in the infirmary, when you sat with me, trying to get my permission?"

She nodded.

"The first time you asked I wanted to scream 'Yes!', but I couldn't. I wasn't allowed to speak...I mean I desperately wanted you to touch me, but I had been taught not to want anything. When I couldn't respond I was scared to the bone you would give up and walk out on me. Every time you tried I got a little closer to answering, until finally I could. So I guess the answer is yes. I am alright with it. As long as it's you."

She looked at him with all her emotions written on her face.

"Come here", she said and reached out to him. Immediately he moved into her embrace as if he had been waiting for it his whole life.

~o0o~

The next night Sam refused to go to sleep. She even convinced Jack to leave his bed-room door ajar. And then she waited. It made her sick to imagine what the colonel might have gone through. She was interrupted from her thoughts when she heard a sound from his room. She didn't bother knocking but went straight to his bed. He tossed and turned and looked like he was in pain. Knowing that it was probably a bad idea but unsure how to help him otherwise she put her hand on his shoulder. He snapped awake, grabbed her wrist and threw her on the bed, twisting her arm behind her back and holding her down with the whole weight of his body. Struggling to speak against the pain he caused her she rushed out:

"Jack, please, let me go. It's me, Carter. You had a bad dream."

He let go of her immediately and withdrew to the far side of the bed. Not looking at her he mumbled:

"Oh god, Sam, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry..."

She tried to ignore the pain in her shoulder and faced him.

"It's OK, Jack. It's not that bad. Please calm down."

He was pale, there was sweat on his forehead, and he was staring at nothing. And all of a sudden he vomited on the bed. He was shaking, but when Sam tried to comfort him he said:

"Don't. Don't touch me, not right now."

"OK Jack, I won't. Why don't you take a shower while I clean this up?"

"You really don't have to do this, Carter."

"But I will. Just go."

It became finally clear to her how spent he was when he simply got up without further discussion.

When he came back he looked a little better, the hot shower had clearly helped. Sam had made the bed and sat on the edge waiting for him.

"Thank you", he said with the smallest smile.

"You're welcome. Think you can sleep?"

He crawled in between the fresh sheets and remained silent for a moment.

"Don't think so."

"You wanna talk about it?"

"No."

"At least try to rest a little, Jack", she said, and there was nothing professional about the way she said it.

She pulled the door close this time and went back to the couch. And that's when she gave in to the tears she had been holding back all the time.


	8. Chapter 8

**Please remember that I don't know anything about trauma treatment, so my character Dr. Shen is probably off from a professional POV. Hope you like her anyway.**

In the morning Jack insisted that she should head back to the SGC, telling her that he would be fine on his own. He agreed to her dropping in in the evening and to calling her if there were any problems. She doubted that he would, but knew she couldn't – and probably shouldn't – babysit him 24/7. She was called to General Hammond's office as soon as she reached the base.

"Have a seat, Major", the general said. "I know this might be difficult for you and I certainly don't want you to breach your CO's trust, but I need to know how you assess Colonel O'Neill's state. Dr. Fraiser says she has a bad feeling about him being at home. Just tell me – do you think it's safe for him?"

Sam thought about it for a while. No way would she tell the general what Jack was going through in detail. But that wasn't what he had asked, right? Did she think Jack was in danger of doing something stupid?

"Yes, sir, I think it's safe. He's still shaken, but I think it's good for him to be at home. I doubt that he would...well I think as long as we are there for him, that arrangement is going to work."

"Thank you, major. That's sufficient for me."

After Sam had left George Hammond sat back in his chair and sighed. It **was** sufficient for him – but it wouldn't be for those in charge. Not for long. So he picked up the phone and dialed his 2IC's number.

"No way. Sir."

Hammond briefly closed his eyes. Of course. Jack wouldn't comply and he couldn't blame him.

"Jack, I know you don't like Dr. MacKenzie very much, but I just can't put it off much longer. Maybe if you just talked to him once that might be enough."

"I can't, sir. Please don't make me do that."

That was unexpected. George had assumed Jack would rant at him about the detested psychiatrist, but instead he sounded troubled, almost scared. He considered for a moment.

"Would you be willing to talk to someone else? Someone you choose yourself?"

He could almost hear Jack roll his eyes.

"I don't have much choice, do I?"

"Only in the person, not in the matter, I'm afraid. And Jack – do it soon."

~o0o~

When Sam sat in Jack's living-room that evening he was somber. After a while she realized that he wouldn't talk, so she asked him what it was.

"I need a shrink."

Sam almost choked on the water she had been sipping. What?

"At least the air force thinks I do."

Ouch.

"So, you are ordered to see MacKenzie, sir?"

Jack let out a sigh.

"Apparently General Hammond is willing to spare me **that** shrink. But I'll have to find another."

Sam thought about it for a moment.

"Does he have to be USAF, sir?"

"**He** would have to be a woman, Carter. No way will I discuss this with a man. Hell I don't even talk to Daniel."

He took a sip from his bottle.

"And no, as long as I don't give away classified information I'm allowed to talk to a civilian."

Sam looked uncomfortable but finally brought herself to say:

"There is something I need to tell you, sir. Please don't be mad and hear me out."

He raised an eyebrow at her but didn't speak.

"I have been talking to someone about you. Of course I didn't tell her who you were, but I did tell her what I think has happened to you. And I described the state you had been in. Please, this must feel like another breach of trust, but I didn't know how to deal with the situation, I was worried sick, and that's why I turned to someone who had helped me before, someone I trusted. Her name is Dr. Shen, and I went to see her for a while after my mother had died. Maybe she could be the right person for you to talk to, sir."

Holding her breath she waited for his reaction. He didn't speak for a while. Then he pulled himself together.

"You trust her?"

"Yes, sir, I do."

"Well, so who am I to disagree."

So that was settled.

~o0o~

The young dark haired woman behind the desk looked up at him with a smile. Her name tag read "Amy".

"Hello Sir. What can I do for you?"

"My name is Jack O'Neill, I have an appointment with Dr. Shen."

"Yes, Mr. O'Neill. Please take a seat, she'll be with you in a moment. Would you like coffee?"

He considered for a moment, but declined. He was nervous enough without caffeine.

About ten minutes later a door opened and a middle aged woman entered the waiting area. She smiled warmly at him and said:

"Mr. O'Neill?"

"Yes. But please don't call me that. Nobody calls me **Mr.** O'Neill, ma'am."

Her smile widened.

"Right, you're air force. What's your rank?"

"I'm a colonel, but since you're civilian of course you don't have to use that."

"But you're more comfortable with it?"

He nodded.

"OK, so, **Colonel** O'Neill, please follow me."

They got seated at her desk. He studied her briefly. She was tall, with ash blond hair and green eyes. He had assumed she would be of Asian descend. Maybe she was married to an Asian man.

"So, colonel, I admit Sam telling me about you is a little unusual. But then she's an unusual woman of course. Do you serve together?"

"Yes, we do. She might have told you that what we do is classified, so I won't be able to give you all the details."

Dr. Shen nodded.

"Will I need them in order to help you?"

"I don't think so."

"OK, so why don't you tell me what you can?"

"Well, I was in pretty bad shape after my last mission, and now I'm not sleeping too well. If I ever want to be on active duty again, I'll have to sort that out."

"And do you want to be on active duty again?"

Jack was irritated for a moment. Of course he wanted back into the field! It was what he did. Wasn't it?

"Sure! Besides there's not that much else I'm good at. I've been a military man all my life."

When the doc didn't say anything he snapped:

"What, you already made up your mind? You think I should retire? I've had nightmares before, doctor. I'll live."

"I won't tell you what to do, colonel. I guess you don't appreciate being told what to do."

"I'm a soldier, ma'am. I'm used to it."

"And do you like it? You never had trouble obeying orders?"

He snorted.

"My superiors can tell you a thing or two about that. I'm a bad subordinate."

"Still you made colonel. People seem to be willing to follow your lead, which tells me you're a strong personality."

He didn't comment on that, so she asked:

"What do I need to know about you, colonel?"

"Well – I'm air force, leader of a front line team. I used to be black-ops when I was younger. I'm not anymore, but still most of what I do is classified. Outside the job there's not much about me."

"Any family?"

"No. I used to be married."

"Are you in a relationship?"

"No."

"OK, so what about the nightmares?"

"Like I said, I had nightmares before."

"What brings you to me then?"

"My commanding officer. It was either someone I chose myself or our resident shrink. Sorry."

"You didn't want to talk to him?"

"No way. I can't stand the guy."

"OK, so it seems it's me you have to talk to then. What triggered the dreams?"

"I don't know. You tell me."

"Did something unusual happen recently?"

Jack's smile was bitter.

"I don't remember the last time something **usual **happened in my line of work. Look, I'm sorry. It's not your fault that I suck at this. I'm grateful you agreed to see me at short notice. I need a clean bill of health so I can get back to the job."

"OK then let's get down to business. What happened?"

"I was taken prisoner on a recent mission. Let's say it was in Egypt. It wasn't, but the real destination is classified. Something had gone wrong and I got separated from my team. By the time they got me out my hosts had had a little fun with me."

"Are you saying you were tortured?"

"Yeah, I was. Wasn't the first time **that** happened either. But there was something else."

She sensed that he didn't want to elaborate, so she was deliberately careful.

"Can you tell me what that was?"

"They – used me."

"You mean sexual abuse?"

"I'd rather say it qualifies as rape."

He spat the word, and Dr. Shen wasn't sure if his disgust was directed at the culprits or at himself.

"So that's what the dreams are about?"

"See – that's strange. I'd understand it if I saw that place, those people. But I don't. It's just brief scenes, images, but it's enough to know that they don't fit 'Egypt'".

"Maybe it's not the recent trauma you are dealing with, but an old one."

"What, you're saying these things **keep** happening to me?"

"It doesn't necessarily have to be something sexual, not even physical. Maybe you felt manipulated psychologically. Forced to do something against your will."

"Doctor, if we were to discuss every incident in which I had to do something I didn't want to we would have to relive my career. And I've been through some pretty nasty stuff and always dealt with it my way, with or without nightmares. This is different. I'm afraid that thing I'm not remembering was quite similar to "Egypt". So: why did it happen **again**?"

"Maybe both times the culprits saw something in you that challenged them."

"Wait, are you saying it's **my** fault?"

"No, it's not. You have been violated. Such a thing is never anyone's fault but those who carry out the abuse. But since you wonder what both incidents have in common – you're a dominant person, used to lead and to give orders. Strong, active, not scared easily. A sadistic personality might be challenged by that, and being in a position of power, enjoy bringing you into subjection."

Jack didn't like what he heard, but he had to admit there might be some truth in it. It was true that he tended to challenge his captors. Usually he did it to make sure they concentrated on him instead of his team. In "Egypt" he had been alone. And he hadn't actually done much at all.

"Are you sure you don't remember anything similar to 'Egypt' happening before?"

Jack shook his head.

"Try to focus on the **feeling** of the nightmare instead of the images. Is it always the same? Does it change over the course of the dream? Try to remember what it feels like. Have you ever felt like it before?"


	9. Chapter 9

**The colonel starts to remember...violence and sexual content ahead – but also some pretty emotional stuff. Might be OOC, but this is *my* Jack and he will talk...**

For a while neither of them said anything. Jack had closed his eyes and rested his elbows on his knees. Suddenly his head sank to his chest and he exhaled. Not looking at Dr. Shen he said:

"I think I know. These images I saw in the dream – it's nothing that happened on the recent mission. This goes back a long, long time, and I just didn't remember it. Until now. How could I forget that?"

He was pale, looking like he might be sick.

"Do you want to tell me?"

"Do I have a choice?"

"Yes, colonel, you do. You're not doing this for me or for your superiors. Frankly I don't care if you go back on duty or not. All I am interested in is to help you get a grip on yourself. You said it before, usually you deal with these things on your own. Right now those strategies don't seem to work. So I suggest we try doing it my way. But it's your decision."

He took deep breath and rushed out:

"It was that hellish mission in that god forsaken place in Iraq. I had been captured, and they had been interrogating me for days, maybe weeks. I was a mess of broken bones, bleeding knife wounds and fierce bruises, nearly starved and so weak I could barely stand on my own. By that time I would have told them anything they asked if only I had known. But my intel was out of date. One day they decided to believe me that I really didn't know the answers to their questions. From that on, my life was worthless. I had long since given up hope of rescue and was well aware of the fact that my life would end there. It was only a matter of time. And I was at their mercy about the way of my death. I longed for that one bullet through my head that would end my misery, and I did beg them to do it. They would laugh at me, telling me I wasn't worth a bullet. That being shot would be a soldier's death, but that I was no soldier. They'd rather beat or starve me to death than waste ammunition on me.

I broke down. I just knew I couldn't take one more blow or I'd lose my mind. So I fell to my knees in front of them, bowed my head and begged them to end my life with a quick, merciful shot. Again they laughed at me. They said I didn't deserve it, that I wasn't worth it. I couldn't live, and they would not let me die. At least not quickly. So I asked what they wanted. Their leader started to grin with a cruelty that still shocked me after all he had done to me. He ordered me to strip naked. He didn't order his men to do it. I had to get to my feet and do it myself. My dog tags were the last thing on me, and I held to them for dear life. He knew that those meant I was a soldier, so he ordered me to take them off. 'You are no longer a soldier', he said. It took all the strength that was left in me to slip them over my head. I was ordered to lay them before him and to kneel. I dropped back to my knees by his feet where I had been before, head bowed, waiting."

Jack paused for a moment. He was so pale Dr. Shen worried he might go into shock. But before she could say anything he went on in the same deadly flat voice as before:

"He ordered me to open his belt. I couldn't believe it. When I didn't follow his orders he hit me, back handed across my face. All the old bruises screamed at me, and blow after blow hit my face, my body, my head. He stopped for a moment to ask if I still wanted that bullet. I nodded, tears flowing down my aching face, but he made me say it out loud. I managed, though I couldn't control my voice and it came out in a whimper. 'Then do as I ordered', he said. And I did."

He struggled to get control.

"Apparently they didn't grant me that bullet. They just left me in my cell to starve to the death I deserved."

"What happened, Jack?"

Her voice was soft, careful.

"They got to me. A rescue team got me out in the last possible moment. I barely remember anything from it, just a touch that brought me to consciousness. The first touch in weeks that wasn't meant to cause me pain. It was a major, that much I remember. He tried to get my attention.

That major addressed me by my name and my rank, though there was nothing left on me that would show either of it. I lay there naked, beaten up and barely alive, still there was respect in his eyes. He wrapped me in a blanket and gave me some water, and I felt like maybe I wasn't lost after all. I woke up days later in hospital. I was in pretty bad shape, very similar to recently. I could tell everybody was glad that I had woken up, but I didn't feel anything. I did feel the pain from the cuts and bruises all over my body, but I had gotten so used to it that it didn't matter. Apart from that, I didn't feel anything. No relief, no notion of safety, no gratitude for being rescued. I felt I wasn't worth living. They had told me I wasn't worth that bullet. Broke me completely and reduced me to something they could use to their pleasure. Thrived on my agony and after they had used me they refused me the one thing I wanted. That bullet through my head. I just wasn't worth it. I was broken beyond repair."

He sat back in his chair completely exhausted. Dr. Shen poured a glass of water and offered it to him. Gratefully he took it. He didn't even notice that his hand was shaking. The doc studied him closely.

"How did you recover from it?"

"Sara...my wife finally got through to me, but it was a hell of a time for her."

When he didn't say any more it was obvious he didn't want to talk about his marriage. He straightened in his chair.

"Are we done for today, doc?"

Dr. Shen smiled at him.

"You tell me."

"Well I think I've had enough, doc."

"OK. I just don't feel like you should be driving. Is there anybody we could call to come pick you up?"

He sighed.

"That would probably be Carter then."

~o0o~

The next time Jack saw Dr. Shen she said:

"Did Sam get you home safely?"

"Yes, she did."

"And how did you sleep that night?"

"A little better, I think. I still had a nightmare, but it was more like a story, not so much about that feeling of - despair. Like this time I could see instead of being blindfolded."

And as an afterthought he added:

"Carter was there. She's still babysitting me, you know. Keeping watch on my couch."

"How do you feel about that?"

"Oh come on, that's such a cliché, doc!"

She smiled.

"I agree, but usually those are actually quite fitting. So?"

"Oh boy, I guess I'm grateful. Though it's embarrassing. Actually I don't want her to see me like that."

"Still it's good that she's there?"

"Yes."

"OK. So what kind of a relationship is there between you and Sam Carter?"

Jack stiffened.

"She's my teammate and my subordinate."

"She seems to care for you."

"That's what teammates do. We rely on each other. We **have** to given the nature of what we do."

His features softened a little.

"She was the one who got me out of...that state I had been in after 'Egypt'."

Dr. Shen waited. Jack lowered his head.  
>"She sat with me. That's the first thing I remember after coming to. She was trying to get my attention. Finally I must have communicated something, maybe a nod. I surely didn't speak. But she reached out to touch my face. And it was pure – bliss."<p>

His voice was a mere whisper.

Dr. Shen cleared her throat.

"Colonel? You are aware of the fact that whatever you tell me is confidential? None of this will ever make it into my report. So if you're worried about violating regulations -"

"We never did anything that would be violating the regs!"

Jack was clearly affected.

"I wasn't implying that, colonel. I just think you're not honest with me about Sam, probably because you want to avoid any suspicion. Maybe you're not completely honest about her with yourself..."

Jack gave her the "cliché"-look.

She smiled.

"So – are you?

"What?"

"Honest about how you feel about Sam."

"Can we please not call her that?"

She raised an eyebrow.

"Is it inappropriate to call your subordinate by her first name?"

"No. My CO calls me Jack sometimes and I'm fine with it. It's just that I can't allow myself to call her that. Not even in my mind."

He looked lost in thought, so after a while the doc repeated her question.

"Jack – what does Sam Carter mean to you?"

He obviously struggled with the question, but finally he closed his eyes and confessed:

"She's the most important thing in my life."

The statement stood in the room like something solid, as if he could reach out and touch it. He had never uttered that before. Who could he possibly have said it to? Now that he had he was equal parts shocked and relieved. There was something about this shrink that made him want to spill his guts. Probably something to do with her knowing Carter so well...she just waited for him to go on.

"I have come close to losing her more than once, and I'm not talking about losing like in 'move to another town' but like in 'speaking at her memorial service'."

"You're military, I assume there's always that risk."

"Yes, there is. And I simply couldn't endure losing her."

"Does she know that?"

"She once did. There was an incident when I was forced to admit that I cared about her a lot more than I was supposed to, that I'd rather die myself than lose her. We never talked about it again."

"Does she reciprocate your feelings?"

"Back then she did. I don't know about now."

"What about the rest of your team? I assume they are close to you, too?"

"Yeah, they are. Only recently I haven't felt very comfortable around them. I seem to function better around women than men."

"What can you tell me about them?"

"Well, there's Daniel - not military originally, though I'm afraid we made him quite a soldier over the past few years."

"You're afraid?"

"He used to be the most moral person, always fighting for the right thing to do, always arguing, always opposing the military solution. He still is that, but he lost a lot of his innocence. That's a shame."

"Have you talked to him recently?"

"Not really. It was awkward. I trust him, he'd never do anything to hurt me, and still I'm off balance with him."  
>"You wanna change something about that?"<p>

"Sure! I want things to go back to normal. We always fight, we always disagree about something, but when push comes to shove I just **know** I can rely on him. I want that back."

"Do you want him to make the first step?"

Jack considered that for a moment. It seemed a chicken thing to do – but it was true.

"Yeah, I guess I do."

"Do you think he will?"

"Well, he's Daniel. I assume he can't keep his curiosity in check forever..."

It sounded light-hearted, but there was as much anxiety in it as hope.

"OK, who else is on the team?"

"That would be 'T'. He's – well that would be classified information. When we first met he was with the enemy. But he had a change of heart and decided to join our cause."

"And you trusted him right away?"

"Untypical, but yeah. He risked a lot to help us, and I just knew he was worth my trust. He doesn't talk much, but he's a skilled fighter. Recently I have to admit he freaks me out."

"You mean you're afraid of him?"

"Yeah. Strange, because like with Daniel I just **know** he's no danger to me, but I can't help it. I see him and I panic."

"Do you have any idea why it's especially bad with him?"

Jack thought about that for a while. Them something dawned on him.

"Well there are certain similarities between him and the – bastards that held me prisoner on that recent mission. Can it be that easy?"

"Yes, that's possible. In what way are they similar?"

"I'm afraid that's classified again."

"OK, so what are the differences?"

"What, besides the fact that **they** tortured me until I couldn't take anymore – and **he**'s my friend?"

Dr. Shen simply looked at him with the tiniest raise of her eyebrows.

"What?"

"Emotion, colonel. Analyzing the way you feel is the crucial point here."

"Yeah I've always been great at that."

The doc looked amused.

"I think you're doing fine, colonel. So – try to ignore the obvious resemblance, whatever it is: face, physique, voice. Focus on how you **feel** about T."

"Trust. I trust him, his abilities, his loyalty. I know I can rely on him being alert and observant, and he will always be there to back me up."

There was lump in his throat.

"He'd never let me down. I wish he had been there...I wish they all had been there. They would have ended that hell I was living in."

Jack looked lost.

"So how about we try to do something about your nightmares?"

"Is there something I can do?"

"Have you ever had a dream, good or bad, and **knew** it was a dream?"

"Yes. Why?"

"Good. Tonight I want youto try and slip that thought into your dream. Use the first cue that what you see or feel is not real to get control, maybe you can even end the dream. If that works, the next step would be to try and **alter **what you see."

Dr. Shen had instinctively realized that he needed to know what strategy she pursued. He needed to be in control, and she was giving him the means to achieve that.

~o0o~

TBC


	10. Chapter 10

**Wow, I could hardly believe all the messages and reviews I got from you folks. Thank you very much! **

It worked. Jack was able to stop the nightmare before it got too bad,. He woke up from it with only a trace of the well known panic and managed to get back to sleep without the dream returning. Sam didn't even notice anything. For the first time she slept through the night, and in the morning both of them felt rested. Sam left for the SGC and Jack went to see Dr. Shen. He was in a good mood, relaxed thanks to the relatively quiet night and surprised that it had been that easy. For the first time in weeks he felt like he was about to get a grip on his life.

Without having to ask the doc knew it had gone well. She smiled at him and was struck by the change in the man's appearance. All of a sudden she understood why people followed his lead. She was glad that he had made that crucial step, but she knew it wasn't over yet.

He told her how it had gone and was obviously eager to take the next step.

"What do I have to do, doc?"

"Close your eyes, colonel. Think of someone you trust, maybe a member of your team. Imagine what he or she could have done to help you had they been there. You don't have to say it out loud, just picture it in your mind. Play it like a movie, repeat it."

_Carter. Of course it had to be her. He saw himself, bruised and beaten in his cell in that Iraqi prison. The door opened, but it wasn't one of the guards coming to cause him more pain – it was Sam. She was more beautiful than ever, and there was a breath of fresh air, and warm sunlight framed her. She knelt beside him and touched his face, just like she had in the infirmary after he had finally given her permission. Though she didn't make any move to free him from his cell he was incredibly relieved to see her – and even more grateful to feel the touch of her fingers on his face. She smiled at him, and there was so much tenderness on her lovely face that he felt like crying._

He opened his eyes and looked at the doc. Again she didn't have to ask to know it had worked. His features were relaxed, and it occurred to her that he was a very attractive man.

"Want to tell me what you saw?"

The smile he gave her was more genuine than any she had seen from him before.

"What do you think?"

"Well I assume Sam Carter had something to do with it?"

"Yeah."

He nodded, still smiling.

"OK, colonel. I want you to repeat that scene as soon as you get home, and again before you go to sleep tonight. When the nightmare begins, stop it like you did last night and try to recall the new scene. Do you think you can do that?"

~o0o~

That night Carter **did **appear in his dream, but not they way he had anticipated.

_He just couldn't bring himself to believe what he saw. There was the man who had tortured and humiliated him for days, that cruel grin on his face that Jack knew just too well by now. Side by side with the Iraqi soldier stood someone he would have recognized anywhere. Next to him, tall and smiling as well, was Major Samantha Carter. _

_It still wasn't over. Again and again the rod hit his already sore flesh, old scars, fresh wounds, and he was only half conscious now. And there was Sam's voice, just a purr right beside his ear, sweet and cruel: "This could all be over, Jack."_

_He closed his eyes. It was too much – the pain, the disbelief, the desperate longing for her to help him, to end his ordeal. And then there was rage. Only vague in the beginning, but then it turned into fury. How could she let it happen? Was she really that cold? He had trusted her. More than once his life had been in her hands. And now she had switched sides! Had he ever really known her at all? Had she always had that in her – that coldness, that sadistic thrill, hidden away below her military discipline? It couldn't be true. Once more the rod came down, and his mind went blank._

He didn't wake from the dream but slept, restlessly, until early morning.

When he woke up he didn't recall the content of the dream, but he knew Dr. Shen's plan hadn't worked. He was frustrated. After taking a shower he tried to tell himself that probably it would have been too easy and he would have to keep fighting. When he entered his kitchen Sam was seated at the table with a cup of coffee and smiled at him.

"Good morning, sir! Another quiet night?"

The hope on her face didn't sit well with him for some reason he couldn't quite grasp.

"Already getting tired of sleeping on my couch, are we?"

It could have been playful – but it wasn't. Sam's mood dropped.

"Sir? I'm completely fine with sleeping on your couch as long as you need me. I just thought since I didn't hear anything you might have had the second good night in row. Which would be great."

He sat down heavily on the chair across the table from her.

"No, Carter, I didn't. I don't remember, but it was bad, and it had something to do with you."

"Something happened to me, sir?"

"No."

It started to come back to him now.

"No, actually you did something to **me**."

"Sir? Is there anything we need to talk about? Something you hold against me?"

"Like what?"

"I don't know – breaching your trust to find out what had happened? Or maybe not being there in time to rescue you?"

"I'm sure you did your best, Carter. And you **did** come to get me eventually."

~o0o~

TBC


	11. Chapter 11

**Thanks to djenie I made a tiny correction in chapter 10 - "twig" should have been "rod". That was due to the fact that I'm not a native speaker and has been edited.**

**I apologize for not answering messages and reviews individually this time – RL has taken up most of my FF time today. I figured you'd rather have a new chapter. Hope you keep reviewing anyway! **

Though Jack hat told Sam that he didn't hold anything against her he wasn't exactly sure that was true. That dream had to come from somewhere, right? He asked Dr. Shen that question after telling her what the dream had been about. The doc thought about it for a moment.

"You said she gained access to your medical record while you were unresponsive. Could that be it?"

Jack shook his head.

"We discussed that. She felt guilty about it and apologized more than once. She shouldn't have done it, but I understand why she did."

"OK. So let's see - how long did it take your team to get to you?"

"I'm not sure, several days."

"Whose fault was it that they didn't come sooner?"

"Well I guess they just couldn't. I'm sure Carter did what she could as fast as she could. These things take time."

"Time you didn't have."

"What, you're saying I'm mad at her for taking her time?"

"Think back. Were you absolutely sure at any given moment that they would come?"

"Of course! They always have. We don't leave our people behind."

"Really? You're obviously a lot more resilient than the average person. But you were held captive by very cruel, sadistic people, for days. Are you really telling me that you never lost faith in your team? Not once?"

Jack avoided her eye. Reluctantly he said:

"Maybe I did. When I was alone, when they were – tired of me – at times I thought maybe they had given up on me. That Carter couldn't – that maybe there was nothing they could do. That maybe I had been left behind and was about to die there, alone. I was scared to the bone..."

Dr. Shen didn't say anything. Jack pulled himself together and looked at her.

"Obviously she did figure it out, they got to me, they got me home, so what's the problem?"

"The problem is, Jack, that those feelings were there. Somewhere in your mind there was the possibility that Sam had let you down. It shook your confidence in her, but you didn't allow yourself to admit it. Probably because you felt you owed her, and rightly so. Those are contrary emotions. It's common that they surface in a dream."

"OK fine, doc, I know what's next."

"You do?"

"This is when you tell me I need to communicate that to Carter."

The doc smiled a very amused smile.

"Are you sure you never had psychotherapy before, colonel?"

He almost made a face at her. She got back to business.

"Actually you are only partly correct."

He raised an eyebrow on her.

"What would be the benefit of discussing it, for you and for her? Do you feel you **need** to communicate it to her, or might it be enough that you understand what happens? "

A small smile appeared on the colonel's face.

"I think we will be OK without that conversation, doc."

~o0o~

That night Jack tried again. It felt strange to play that scene in his mind with the real Carter just a few meters away, but apparently this time it worked. He woke up to the first light of dawn and didn't remember anything. He lay still for a moment and replayed the scene in his head, just because he could. Then he got up with more energy than he had had in a very long time.

"Carter, I think you are done here! Mission accomplished, you are dismissed!", he greeted her. A little unsure if she could trust his mood she raised her eyebrows.

"Really. This time it worked. I slept all through the night and don't remember a thing."

Sam started to smile.

"That's great, sir!"

He stepped up to her and put his hands on her shoulders.

"Thank you, Carter. I don't think I said that. I should have. About a million times or so. I'll never forget that."

She blushed a little.

"It's nothing, sir. It's what teammates do."

"Let me give Dr. Shen a call, and then I'll come with you to the base. It's about time I get back there!"

"Are you sure you are up to it, sir? "

"Don't give me that, major. Get ready to move out."

He called the doc while Sam waited in the car. She didn't let him off the hook as quickly as he had planned though.

"Have you made your mind up yet about your career options?"

"I certainly won't retire, doc. I'm not willing to accept that those bastards defeated me."

"That's what retirement would feel like to you? Defeat?"

"At this point? Yes. I assume there are reasons to consider retirement. I'm not getting younger. And then there's Sam...if I was retired we could be together. If she wanted to. But it just doesn't feel right."

"OK, so what's the alternative?"

"I could try to be reassigned. Out of her chain of command. Maybe even out of the field."

"Would you be alright with that?"

"I've been on a front line team for the better part of my life. I'm good at it, or at least I was. Maybe it's time to fall back now."

"Is there an assignment that's appealing to you?"

"I'd have to talk to my CO, but I do have something in mind."

~o0o~

Jack reported to General Hammond's office. The general was glad to see his 2IC and to find him in such a good mood. He told him to see Dr. Fraiser for a checkup, who came to the conclusion that – given Dr. Shen didn't say otherwise – he was fit for active duty. Since there wasn't much to do for him until he was finally cleared he prepared to get back home, when he ran into Teal'c. The moment he saw the Jaffa he felt like he couldn't breathe. He closed his eyes trying to regain control, but his heart raced and sweat ran down his spine. When he managed to look at Teal'c he noticed the Jaffa had frozen, too. A moment later he took a step away from Jack and lowered his eyes.

"O'Neill? I apologize for causing you trouble."

Obviously he didn't know how to handle the situation, and neither did the colonel. So he simply turned and left.

~o0o~

That night the dreams were back with a vengeance. There had been nothing Jack could do about it. He felt he was back to square one, and he just couldn't take it anymore. He knew he should call Dr. Shen, but he simply stayed in bed until noon and only got up when his back started to ache.

~o0o~

Sam spent her lunch break with Daniel.

"So how is he?", he asked as soon as they had sat down.

"I don't know, Daniel. He seems to be better, but I'm still worried. I know he didn't talk to you up to now, but maybe you could try again?"

"Actually he did talk to me some days ago, but it wasn't much. At least he didn't run when he saw me..."

"Daniel, he's been through hell, and frankly I don't think he will be willing to talk to you about it. There's a reason to that, but it's not your fault. Anyway – you might be able to talk. About anything but what happened. Just don't push him, OK?"

Daniel looked at his friend with a frown.

"You really think you have to tell me that, Sam?"

"I'm sorry. I'm just exhausted, that's all."

"Yeah you sure don't look too good. Are you still keeping watch over him?"

"Up until last night I was. Look, he came here with me, but as far as I know he's back home now. How about you pay him a visit, maybe he'd start opening up to you now that he's better."

About an hour later Daniel knocked on the colonel's front door. He really didn't know what to expect, but he was determined to get his friend back. Jack opened he door and froze for a moment.

"Hey Jack", Daniel said softly. "Tell me right away if you don't want me here. But I just have to try. Please."

Jack took a step back and let Daniel enter. They went to the living-room.

"You want a beer?", Jack asked.

"Uh, actually, I'd rather not. But you go ahead if you like."

Jack took a half-empty bottle from the table and raised it to Daniel.

"Carter sending you over for the day shift?"

Daniel flinched a little at his tone.

"I just needed to see how you are, Jack. I don't understand what's going on. You're so cold towards me, did I do anything? And as for Teal'c, he said you seemed to be scared of him. He just came back from off-world and you hadn't even asked about him all the time that he was gone. Why is it that you only talk to Sam?"

"What did she tell you?"

"Nothing, Jack. I don't know anything about what's going on, or about what happened to you, or about how you feel. Please talk to me!"

After a little while Jack responded to the one question that was Daniel's biggest concern.

"You didn't do anything, Daniel. It's not your fault, or T's. I just can't talk about it, OK? Can you be alright with not knowing just for once?"

Daniel smiled a little sadly.

"Am I that bad?"

"Oh come one, you know you are. You poke holes in people!"

Daniel's grin widened. Good. Banter. He could do **that**.

"Only in stubborn people."

"I'm not stubborn. I'm strong-willed!"

"Which is exactly what I said."

"Oh for cryin' out loud!"

Jack turned on the TV and ignored Daniel's grin. They watched a few episodes of the Simpsons and then gave Sam a call to come over. When she arrived the guys had already ordered pizza. Jack had even thought of ordering a bottle of white wine **and** had put in the fridge. Daniel ate his share of the pizza and then made his excuse. When he said goodbye to Sam he smiled and nodded at her, telling her in their long established non-verbal way that things looked good to him.

~o0o~

TBC


	12. Chapter 12

Jack and Sam sat in silence, each clinging to their beverages. After a while Sam said:

"So, how was your day?"

"Oh, you know, I was fine most of the time."

Obviously there was something he didn't tell her, but she knew better than to ask.

"How were things with Daniel?"

"You know him. He's bursting with curiosity..."

Sam sat straighter.

"Did he -"

"Carter, it's alright. You don't have to protect me. I'm a big boy, I can fend off a linguist."

There was an actual twinkle in his eyes, and Sam relaxed immediately. Then he turned serious.

"Actually we both know that's not true."

Sam was off balance again, not sure what he was talking about.

"Actually you've been doing exactly that, and I'm grateful."

"You're welcome, sir!"

She beamed at him.

"And things look better now, right?"

When he didn't answer she looked at him more closely.

"Sir? The nightmares **did** get better, didn't they?"

"Last night...there was a new kind of dream."

He clearly hatedto admit it.

"You want me to stay?"

"I really can't expect you to. You've been doing so much more than you had to. You shouldn't have to put up with me any more."

"I'm not **putting up with you, **sir. I care about you, and I hurt seeing you in pain. I still wish there was more I could do..."

She swallowed once and then went on, low but brave:

"...to make you whole again."

He turned to her, his defenses down, his need obvious in his eyes. He didn't say anything, but he didn't have to. She wrapped him in her arms and gently stroked his back and his shoulders.

"I'm scared, Carter." Almost too low to catch it.

"Of what?"

"Of **never** being whole again! I don't think I can take much more..."

"You've come such a long way, Jack!"

He drew away from her.

"And yet I still have these dreams. I know as soon as I fall asleep they will be back. I can't deal with this. Maybe you should have left me out there. Maybe I deserved what happened. Maybe you should get rid of me. I'm not worth the trouble."

Sam felt a sharp pang at the self-loathing in his voice. Depression, she thought. Never in a thousand years had she expected Jack O'Neill to get depressed. Furious. Bitter. Hurt. Anything but depressed. How could he talk like that! Didn't he know how she felt about him?

"Jack, please don't. How could you possible **deserve **this?"

"I wasn't strong enough, Carter. I couldn't take it and I broke. I just couldn't take anymore, so I – complied."

"Do you want to tell me?"

"You wouldn't wanna know, believe me."

"What if I do?"

"Well maybe** I **don't want you to know. I don't want you to see me like that. You used to have that look when you looked at me, like you thought I was special. You don't have that now."

She was shocked. Did he really think he had lost her respect? She couldn't possibly let him believe that! So she made the bravest decision she had made in a long time. She gently put her hands on both sides of is face and made him look at her. Holding his gaze she said emphatically:

"I adore you, Jack."

Turning away from her he laughed bitterly.

"What's to adore? I'm a mess, Carter, scum. Don't waste any more time on me."

She flinched, and then she turned his face towards hers again.

"You've been the center of my universe, Jack. You're the strongest, bravest person I know. I just can't stand to see you in such pain. Please let me take that pain."

His eyes closed, and all energy seemed to drain from his body.

"Please", she whispered inches away from his face, and when he looked at her she saw his permission in his eyes. She closed the distance and met his mouth in the softest, most tender kiss.

When she broke away to look at him he still kept his eyes closed.

"So good", he breathed. His eyes opened and he looked straight at her, cupped her face with his hand and kissed her back, carefully, giving her the chance to back away. But she didn't – she opened up to him willingly, responding to the kiss with all the longing and all the love she had held back over the years. Her face was wet with tears when he finally let go.

"How about you don't sleep on the couch today?"

Surprised she looked at him.

"Maybe you can keep the dreams at bay."

When she didn't agree right away he withdrew.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked that. Especially not after the way I hurt you the last time you came too close to me."

Sam didn't say anything. She just got up from the couch and took his hand, and they made their way to the bed-room. He lay down on his back, and Sam settled down beside him. She propped herself up on her elbow to look at him.

Even with his eyes closed he could feel her gaze on him. Without opening his eyes he asked:

"What?"

"We're not allowed to do this, Jack. It was always a fine line, and even though you're on medical leave you are still my CO. "

"Yeah I was thinking about that...maybe I shouldn't be anymore."

"Huh? What are you saying?"

"There's a lot on my mind right now, Carter. Let me figure this out on my own, OK?"

When they settled down to sleep Sam wondered what he was thinking. Retirement? She couldn't imagine the SGC without him. Was he really thinking about giving up his career for her? What was this thing between them anyway? He was so much a military man she just couldn't see him as a civilian. She tried to lie still, but inside she was restless. What had they gotten themselves into? But that kiss had felt so good. She wanted to touch him, to feel his body, but she didn't dare. Probably he wouldn't tolerate it. It took her a long time to fall asleep.

She woke up because he had made a sound. Assuming the nightmares had started again, she wondered what to do. She didn't want to risk triggering his black-ops training again, but she needed to wake him from it before it became bad. So instead of touching him she softly said his name. He stirred, but didn't wake up. She tried again and he missed her by inches when his head snapped up. He was panting and it took him a while to focus. She knew he usually woke up very quickly, instantly taking in his surroundings. At least off-world he did. But he had clearly been far below. He lay back and tried to get his breathing under control. When Sam said his name again it seemed like he hadn't even been aware of her. All of a sudden he turned to her. His look was so unsure, so pleading that it broke her heart.

"Come here, Jack."

He moved into her arms and lay absolutely still, and she stroked his back. Through the thin fabric of his t-shirt she could feel the fresh scars. Her hand fell away. He didn't react to it, only his breathing changed.

"Do they still hurt?"

Nothing.

"Jack? Can I touch your back or do the scars still hurt?"

When there was still no answer from him she turned on the light on the nightstand. His eyes were open, but he was staring at nothing. 'Oh please god no', Sam thought. It looked too much like in the beginning. Carefully she pulled up his t-shirt. He didn't oppose. When his back was exposed Sam couldn't help but hiss through her teeth. There was barely any skin left that wasn't marked. She touched him very carefully, and now he flinched but other than that he held completely still. She bowed down to kiss his neck, trying to cause him as little pain as possible, but desperately in need to caress him. He let out a tiny moan and moved into the touch of her lips.

"Jack? Please talk to me. What's up?"

Low, strangled, he answered her:"This was different then the dreams I had in the beginning."

"How?"

"This **was** about the recent mission."

"Tell me. Let me help you carry the weight."

"I can't. I just can't stand knowing that every time you look at me you remember what they did."

She kept caressing the back of his neck.

"Please."

He was silent for so long, Sam didn't think he would speak at all. But finally he did.

"After they had renamed me things got worse. They didn't even pretend to torture me for information. They didn't ask any more questions. I wish they had – that way I could have done anything, said anything that would have stopped them. But they just made it clear that I wasn't human to them. Just a toy that they could use. They said that in their world the weak were to serve the strong, and asked me what group I thought I belonged to. My wrists were chained to the wall, I was naked, my back exposed, my feet spread apart. The first time one of them took me I screamed and cursed, and after he was done he told me I hadn't been obedient enough and deserved punishment. So there was the whip. They taught me the rules: don't resist, because you don't have a say in what happens to you. Don't move unless you're ordered to, don't make a sound, don't try to protect yourself. Take whatever we do to you. And never speak. They - screwed me whenever they felt like it, punished me for showing pain with even more pain and kept telling me I was nothing. When they were done they just left me hanging in the chains for hours until someone wanted me again. Apparently I didn't learn fast enough, so there was a lot of beating. Finally I gave up. Not just pretending in order to avoid more pain - I really stopped resisting. I just held perfectly still in complete silence like the good little slave they had made me. I guess I just accepted that they had every right to do whatever they wanted to me. When I just couldn't take any more, I think I disappeared somehow, retreated to some other place, and I just knew I would die there on my own. I don't even remember being rescued."

Tears were flowing freely across his face by the time he was done. Sam was crying, too, but she didn't even notice. She simply took him in her arms and held him close.

"We should have been there sooner, Jack. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry..."

~o0o~

TBC


	13. Chapter 13

Jack O'Neill looked defeated. Dr. Shen was worried. She had expected setbacks, they were common, but this looked bad. She knew depression when she saw it. She might have to put him on medication.

"Jack? Can you tell me what happened since your phone call?"

He could barely muster enough energy to answer.

"New dreams, doc. Very bad dreams. I know what triggered them and I talked to Carter, told her exactly what happened in 'Egypt'. I still don't want her to know these things but I just...couldn't...go on anymore. I'm done. Nothing left in me."

"Jack, did you ever experience an episode of depression before?"

His smile was so weak it spoke volumes.

"Yes, I have. Don't make me talk about it, please."

"Were you treated back then?"

He shook his head.

"You got better by yourself?"

"Yeah."

"OK, Jack, there's something else I need to know – after Iraq, you said it was your wife who helped you, Sara, right?"

He nodded.

"Not talking about that either, doc."

"That's OK, you don't have to. Just imagine for a moment that someone else might be doing that for you this time. Can you do that?"

"No way am I imposing this mess on Carter, doc."

"How about you let **her** make that decision?"

"There's nothing to decide since I'm still her CO."

"Well then maybe you should consider changing that, colonel."

~o0o~

Jack was back at the base about an hour after talking to Dr. Shen. He was seated in the general's office, trying to make up his mind. When his CO opened the door he stood to attention.

"At ease, colonel. Have a seat."

"I'd rather stand, sir", he said, standing at parade rest.

Hammond sat down and looked at his 2IC. The man was like a son to him, and he knew him well. He didn't like what he saw now. Below the military discipline that was so untypical of O'Neill there was something destructive. As if the man's energy was drained.

"Jack, please. Sit down and talk to me."

"Is that an order, sir?"

"Oh for heaven's sake, Jack, will you get yourself in that chair?"

He did, but sat on the edge, his shoulders stiff and his face blank.

"What's up, son?"

"I'll resign, sir. I didn't have time to do the paperwork yet but I will get it to you first thing in the morning."

"Why? I thought you were doing better?"

"I just had enough, sir."

"Well, nobody can blame you, you sure gave your country and your planet far more than anyone could ask. But are you sure that's what you want?"

Jack didn't speak for a while. Then he raised his head and looked at the general.

"No, sir, to be completely honest with you I'm not sure what I want. All I know is I need a change. At least I need to resign from the field, sir."

"OK, I guess that's fair enough. You've been out there for so long. Is there any assignment you want?"

Jack smiled a little, remembering that Dr. Shen had asked him the same thing. Obviously everybody seemed to think that he had a choice. He noticed he had kept his CO waiting when Hammond gave him a look.

"Sorry, sir. In fact there might be..."

~o0o~

By nightfall Sam arrived at Jack's house once more. He opened the door and let her in. She thought he didn't look as depressed as he had the night before, but you could never be sure with Jack O'Neill. He was so used to hiding his emotions that he had become very good at it. So after they had sat down she looked closely at him. He pretended not to notice, but she didn't buy it.

"Jack, about last night - "

He closed his eyes and exhaled.

"Don't, Carter. Don't say it. I know it only happened because I was so spent. You felt sorry for me, and I'm grateful for the comfort you gave me."

"That's not - "

"I've never been good enough for you even when I was – whole, but now I'm a wreck, Carter. You're brilliant, you're young, you're beautiful. Don't burden yourself with me."

She turned to face him fully.

"Would you please stop doing that?"

"Stop doing what?"

"Insulting the man I love!"

~o0o~

**Huh! There it is - she said it!**


	14. Chapter 14

**This is part two of the chapter. Sorry that break may have been a little melodramatic, but I just couldn't resist making it :-) So here we go again.**

There it was. Finally she had said it. He was dumbfounded. How could she possibly -

"Did you mean that?", he asked, and it sounded as if he expected her to backpedal. And it was obvious that his heart would shatter into pieces if she did.

She moved closer to him and gently stroked his cheek.

"Yes, Jack, I did."

"But, how can you love me after everything you know about me? I don't deserve that. I'm just not worth it."

"It's a gift, Jack. You don't have to earn it. I give it to you gladly. Actually you always had it. You still do, and you always will."

He moved closer until his forehead rested against hers.

"You are the most important thing in my life, Sam. If you're really willing to pull this off, I'll be out of your chain of command by tomorrow."

She broke contact to look at him. He kissed her cheek and said:

"Let's not talk about it right now. I'll take care of it, OK?"

"OK, Jack."

They got up to get changed for bed. When they were laying side by side Sam said very carefully:

"Can I touch you, Jack?"

"Still asking for permission? Like back in the infirmary?"

"You remember that?"

"Yeah. It's the first thing I remember. Before that I know nothing. Had I been conscious when you got to me?"

She sat up and rested her back against the headboard.

"Conscious, but not responding. You did what you were told – get up, come with us – but we might as well have been strangers to you. You stayed like that for a long time after we had gotten you back to the SGC. Until that night in the infirmary."

"Until you asked for my permission."

"Yeah."

"I guess you don't need that now."

"Yes, I do, Jack. I won't take anything for granted. I long to touch you, but I won't unless you tell me it's OK."

"Yes, Sam, it is."

He looked up at her face, and she bent down to kiss his cheek. She moved back onto the mattress and put small kisses on his temples, his forehead and his cheeks, stroking his face with her fingertips. She stopped an inch away from his mouth, waiting for permission again. Instead of giving her permission he took control. Her body reacted instantly. This was the man she had been longing for all these years, and he wanted her. She gave herself into the kiss without hesitation. He **was** the center of her universe, and she surrendered to him completely.

~o0o~

TBC


	15. Chapter 15

**It's official - I'm definitively moving away from canon.**

Sam was waiting in front of General Hammond's door. When the door opened and Jack emerged her eyes widened for a split second, but then she straightened.

"Sir", she said by way of greeting.

"Major", he replied, his tone all business, but his eyes warm.

"The general says to send you in."

He nodded at her and left, and Sam entered.

"Sir? You wanted to see me?"

"Yes, major, have a seat. We need to talk about a few things."

For a moment she thought he might have found about – but he was actually smiling at her.

"Yes, sir."

When she was seated he started:

"Well first of all I inform you that you are about to be promoted to Lieutenant Colonel."

That came as a surprise. Before she could say anything he went on:

"Second, you will take command of SG-1, and I expect you to find your forth within a week. Understood?"

"Chrystal, sir. Thank you sir!"

And then it dawned on her. What about Jack? Would he leave the SGC? Would she lose him right after finally getting what she had always wanted? Obviously her thoughts displayed on her face because she didn't make it further than:

"Sir, but what about - " before the general interrupted her.

"Colonel O'Neill has been reassigned – **within** the SGC."

His voice switched from commander to fatherly friend.

"He's not going anywhere, Sam."

He smiled warmly when he saw her relax.

"He's not your commanding officer anymore, effective immediately."

And that was about the best news she had gotten in a very, very long time.

She needed to find him. She could barely wait for the general to dismiss her. Since cruelty wasn't one of George Hammond's character traits he said:

"He's supposed to be in his office, major. You are dismissed."

She did muster the discipline not to run.

~o0o~

She found him seated at his desk, BDU shirt open and hunched over a piece of paper. 'What an unusual sight' she thought, and then he looked up. He seemed to be looking right into her soul, all the way through military protocol and discipline, and for a moment she got past his defenses, too. There was unshielded love, so intense and pure that her knees gave way. She swallowed hard and reached behind her back to close his office door. Leaning against it she said:

"I'm being promoted."

He beamed at her and got up. Walking around the desk he said:

"I know. You certainly deserve it."

When he stood right in front of her he softly said:

"I think congratulations are in order", and with that he bent to kiss her, his hands framing her face, and she leaned into him with her heart racing. When they broke the kiss he drew her in an embrace and she rested her head on his shoulder, her arms around him and her frantic heartbeat finally slowing down. He stroked her back over and over again and whispered in her ear:

"I've been wanting to do this for so long. I can't believe I'm actually allowed now!"

They both didn't get much work done after that, so they decided to sign out for the day. Feeling that defrosted pizza or Chinese take-out didn't quite suit the occasion they agreed to stop at a small Italian restaurant. It was early in the evening so there weren't too many people, and not too fancy so they didn't feel uncomfortable in the casual civvies they wore.

"What is this new assignment about anyway?", Sam finally asked over her pasta.

"Well, I just thought I might as well have a little fun."

His eyes sparkled and he had that cheeky smile that made him look half his age and that she hadn't seen it what felt like centuries. When he told her shew couldn't help but feel sorry for anyone who might cross his path...he would **certainly** enjoy that. And she just knew he would be good at it. She had seen him do it before.

After chocolate cake and crème brûlée they left the restaurant for Jack's house. Actually Sam would have loved to have him come to her place for a change, but she sensed that he would feel safer at his. They sat on the couch for quite a while, their fingers interlaced, a glass of wine and a Guinness at hand, and didn't talk much. Sam's head had fallen on Jack's shoulder at some point, and they simply enjoyed to be that close. Finally Sam lifted her head, put down her glass and looked at him with something in her eyes that might have been hunger, but her voice was deliberately soft.

"Can I take your shirt off?"

She was obviously careful not to intrude his space. Jack hesitated. God, how he wanted her to touch him. And yet he just couldn't. He reached for the top button.

"Let **me** do this, OK?"

"OK."

Sam's eyes wandered from one button to the next while he opened them. She felt like she had to sit on her hands when inch by inch his bare skin showed. When he had opened the last button and got ready to shrug out of the shirt she just couldn't hold back any longer. Still determined not to act without his permission she held his gaze while she reached for the collar. When he closed his eyes and didn't show any sign of resistance she slid her hands under the fabric. The moment she touched his skin his head fell back and he let out a tiny moan. It sounded as if he had wanted to suppress it but just couldn't. Sam smiled and bent down to kiss his collar bone. He sat perfectly still, concentrating on the path of her lips on his skin. She finally stopped kissing him to take his shirt off, and he was completely OK with it. So much more than OK...

"Let's move this somewhere else", he said and got up. He took her hand and lead her towards the bedroom. When Sam caught sight of the scars that ran across his back as well as his sides and some even across his stomach she felt a sharp pang of hatred for the bastards who had caused him such pain, followed by compassion and the strong need to caress him. He sat down on the bed, and after she had crawled in he lay down.

"How bad are these scars?"

"I'll live."

"Jack, can I touch them or will it hurt?"

"It's not that bad anymore."

Still not really an answer she thought, but it had to be good enough for now. Very tenderly she traced one scar after the other from his stomach to his side as far as she could reach with him lying on his back.

"Actually this feels good", he said softly and opened his eyes to look at her. This was Sam Carter in his bed, her cheeks flushed and her gorgeous eyes huge in the half light, caressing his battered body as well as his soul. Life might be good after all...

"How about you roll over?", she said, gaining courage from his relaxed expression.

He started to comply, but all of a sudden a flash of panic flared in his chest. He couldn't breathe and his body convulsed. He had to protect his back! Fighting to gain control he focused on his breathing. Sam took his hands and waited for him to look at her.

"I'm – sorry -" he breathed as soon as he could. She shook her head.

"Don't. It's OK, just stay on your back. Please, Jack, it's OK."

Very slowly his body relaxed. Low but controlled he said:

"No, it's not. I have to fight this. I **want** you to touch my back. I trust you with my life, Sam. I just **know** you won't hurt me, right?"

"Right, Jack. I'd never do anything to cause you pain. Do you trust me enough for this?"

Sam thought back to the infirmary, how Jack had fought to protect his back even when he was too weak to show any other reaction. Maybe this was too much too soon? It affected her enormously when he finally rolled onto his stomach. The full extend of the damage on his back still shocked her. Moved by the amount of trust he displayed she gently stroked him, from the back of his neck down his spine to the waistband of his trousers, back up along his shoulder blades and down his sides. He was tense in the beginning, but after a while he started to let go. His breathing became more even and he seemed to enjoy her tenderness. After a while she bent down and trailed small kisses along the most prominent scars. They ran across his back from on side to the other, and she worked her way from the uppermost all the way down to his waist. When she reached the small of his back he stirred and turned to look at her. His eyes were almost black, and she wasn't sure what to make of his expression. He settled back onto his back and reached out for her. She lay down on her side facing him, and he cradled her face. His mouth very close to hers he said:

"I want you so badly I can hardly think anymore, and still I'm scared to the bone."

He closed the distance and kissed her with such passion that she felt her body go limp. Breaking the kiss, but only moving away an inch he went on:

"I just don't know how much of the man I used to be is still left in me, Sam...you deserve to be happy, and I'd love to be the one who gets to **make** you happy, but I'm not sure if I can do that."

He sounded so desperate that it cut right through her heart.

"It's alright Jack, I **am** happy. There's only one thing I want – and that's for you to let me stay close to you. Can I fall asleep in your arms tonight?"

He pulled her into his arms and whispered into the crook of her neck:

"I think we can do that, Carter."


	16. Chapter 16

**Thanks to AJ for your review! Good to know you are still with me!**

**To all those who wonder about Jack's new assignment – you will need some more patience, sorry.**

~o0o~

The next morning there was a polite knock on Jack's front door. He got up and opened it with his eyebrows raised. The young lieutenant saluted him.

"Sir, I was asked to deliver this to you."

He held out a white envelope with no writing on it. Jack thanked the airman and dismissed him. Anticipating something unusual he closed his door before he sat down on his couch and opened the envelope. There was one sheet of paper in it, the text was hand-written, and the person who had written it was obviously not used to it. He didn't recognize the handwriting, so his eyes dropped to the bottom of the page. He swallowed once when he read the name – 'Teal'c'.

Sam found him still seated on the couch and the letter still in his hand. She immediately knew there was trouble.

"Jack?"

"T wrote me a letter."

"He did?"

"Apparently since we aren't talking he figured that would be the best way to get through to me."

"What's he saying?"

Instead of an answer he held out the letter to her, and she sat down and started to read.

When she was finished she dropped the letter to her lap.

"What are you going to do?"

"I think I'll adopt his proposal. He's my friend, for cryin' out loud. This can't go on any longer."

"He mentions you have the right to pick someone to escort you..."

"Would you?"

She put the letter on the coffee table. Then she turned to him and touched his face.

"Always, Jack."

~o0o~

"Daniel, I need you to do your anthropology thing."

"Huh?"

Daniel Jackson looked up from the artifact in his hands completely unable to believe that those words had just been uttered by Jack O'Neill.

"Uhm, sure! What do you need?"

"Teal'c wants to perform some ritual on me, "lower neck" or something? Something about reinstalling my honor?"

Understanding dawned on the linguist. His face lit up.

"You're talking about 'Lo'renek'! That's actually quite smart!"

"Hey, you can't just assume that you and Carter are the only geniuses around here!"

Underneath his casualness Daniel sensed Jack's tension, so he didn't accept the challenge and simply started to explain.

"On Chulak the Jaffa perform this ritual when somebody had been falsely accused or unjustly removed from an honorable position. It is meant to reinstall the person into their function and to give the community the opportunity to show their respect. I assume Teal'c wants to use it to assure you of his continued respect. Who will be your escort?"

"Carter."

"That's good. Though I'd sure love to be there – this is rarely ever performed anywhere else than in a Jaffa dwelling...but probably not the place and time for me to get all anthropological, is it?"

Jack simply gave him The Look and turned to the door. Before he had reached it he turned back to look at Daniel, and** that** look was uncharacteristically insecure.

"You believe this is a good idea?"

Daniel smiled and nodded.

"Yes Jack, I do."

~o0o~

When Sam knocked on Teal'c's door she was nervous. She shouldn't be, this was Teal'c after all, but Jack's fear had rubbed off on her. She heard him answer and opened the door.

"MajorCarter", he greeted her. He was seated on the floor cross-legged, maybe he had been in kel'no'reem.

"Hi Teal'c, am I disturbing you?"

"No. Are you here on behalf of ColonelO'Neill?"

"Yes. He says to tell you that he will – accept your offer."

"That is most pleasant. Did he set a time?"

"Uh, actually he said he'd like to have it over with as soon as possible. How much preparation time do you need?"

"30 minutes should be sufficient, MajorCarter."

Precisely half an hour later there was a very polite rap at the door to Jack's quarters. Sam went to open it and stepped back to let Teal'c enter. Jack felt the well known panic rise in his chest, but when Sam took position beside his chair it got a little easier to breathe. Teal'c wore his robes and carried a staff weapon – probably why he had needed 30 minutes. He had to get permission to get the weapon out of the armory. Sam wondered briefly how he might have justified that...before she could elaborate on it Teal'c spoke. He kept his eyes on the floor and his voice low:

"I am Teal'c of Chulak. I have come to perform Lo'renek in favor of Colonel Jack O'Neill of the Tau'ri. This man is a leader of his people, a great warrior and an honorable man. I will gladly follow his lead as I have before."

He looked up to meet Jack's eye, but his posture was still respectful, almost submissive. And yet Jack felt uneasy and off balance. Sam moved closer and rested her hand on his shoulder. He remembered the conversation he had had about Teal'c with Dr. Shen and tried his best. 'Trust', he thought. 'This is the strongest, proudest man I know, and he has just surrendered to my lead. And he's my friend!'

He felt his shoulders relax and took a deep breath. T seemed to have read his mind, because he went on:

"O'Neill, I consider you my brother and my friend. You have and always will have my respect."

He made one step forward and lowered himself down on one knee, placing down his staff weapon on the floor in front of Jack. The colonel drew one shuddering breath and, his voice hoarse, he said:

"Get up, T. You shouldn't kneel before anyone ever again."

When the Jaffa was back on his feet, tall and strong, but still trying to look as non-threatening as possible, Jack stood as well. They locked eyes, and after an instant the colonel extended his right arm to Teal'c who took it in a firm grip and then lowered his head in one slow nod. When he looked up again there was the smallest of smiles on his face.

~o0o~

Jack went to see Dr. Shen for what was supposed to be the last time.

She asked about his team, and he told her how he had talked to Daniel and it hadn't been awkward any more.

"Well not unusually awkward that is."

The doc knew her patient well enough to be pleased by the return of his dry wit.

"What about T?"

"He – where he is from they have a ritual. I wasn't sure about it first, but it worked. I'm not scared any more. I trust him, and we are good."

"That leaves Sam then."

Jack hesitated for a moment, and then he allowed himself a wide smile.

"Well, I'd say things look good with Sam."

"You're not telling me more than that, colonel?"

The twinkle in her eye belied the implied reproach. His smile got even wider.

"Nope."

She couldn't help but grin, too. Leaning back in her chair she changed the subject:

"And have you made a decision about the job?"

"Yes, I have. And my CO has already approved it, provided you declare me fit."

"So I guess this is it than, Jack. Do **you** feel you are up to it?"

There was a rare sincerity on the colonel's face when he said:

"Yes ma'am, I do."

~o0o~

"Today I got Dr. Shen's report, Jack."

The colonel tensed and looked at his CO expectantly.

"Yes, sir?"

"It seems there is no reason for you not to go back on active duty, colonel."

Jack relaxed back into his chair.

"Thank you, sir."

"I guess it's not me you have to thank. I'm glad to have you back, Jack. So, now how about you get to work, colonel?"

~o0o~

**I made "Lo'renek" up from scratch, so I'm eager to read what you think of it.**


	17. Chapter 17

**A little fluff - and more – for you shippers out there. I just felt they deserved a little happiness.**

~o0o~

Once more Jack and Sam were seated on his couch. They had had dinner and now they sat, talking lazily about Sam's upcoming promotion and her new forth, but Sam seemed distracted. Finally Jack turned to fully look at her.

"What's up with you tonight?"

She looked a little unsure. How was she supposed to say this? She went nuts sitting this close to him, and she could barely keep her hands off him, but she still heard him say 'I don't know how much of the man I used to be is still left in me, Sam.' She was determined not to push him, but to wait for him for as long as it took. But boy was this hard! She could feel his warmth, the solid strength of his body beside her, and she was slowly going crazy. 'Pull yourself together, Sam', she thought. 'If things were reversed, the last thing you wanted would be a pushy lover!' She realized she hadn't answered him when he still looked at her, increasingly worried. 'Think, Sam!' She just knew he needed to be in control, to reclaim control over his own body. And so she just **stopped** thinking. Instead she got up and turned to face him. He looked up at her and raised an eyebrow. She smiled, and then she straddled his legs. He was surprised, but from the way his breathing changed she was pretty sure it was a pleasant surprise. She closed her eyes and moved in to kiss his neck. When he clearly enjoyed the kiss she moved over his throat and up his neck, and very close to his ear she whispered:

"I want you so much...just tell me what you need, Jack. Let me serve you..."

From the deep moan that escaped him it was obvious that he didn't have to be pushed. Yet he was fighting to rein himself in.

"Sam, I sure don't want you to **serve** me!"

"But **I** want it, Jack. Let yourself go..."

For a moment he still fought, but the movement of her hips against his was too much. His head fell back, and he surrendered. The moment she sensed his agreement she slid from his lap and knelt between his thighs. She stroked and kissed him through his jeans, and when it became clear that he couldn't possibly still be comfortable she reached for his belt.

"Don't", he stopped her, catching her wrist.

"Come here." He got up and pulled her with him, and then he lifted her in his arms. She gave a brief thought to his back, but apparently he was just fine. He carried her to the bedroom and gently set her down on the bed. When she reached out for him again he took her hand.

"No. Let me get **you** undressed. I want to see you, and I want to feel you. All of you. You are amazing, Sam."

He pulled her sweater over her head and caressed her breasts, showering her neck and shoulders with sweet little kisses that sent shivers all over her body. When she couldn't hold back any longer she gently opened his shirt and mirrored his movements. Piece by piece their clothing came away, and they kissed and stroked each other in worship. By the time they were both naked Sam was determined to get back to her original plan. She knelt between his legs and looked up at his face.

"I'm still dying to serve you", she breathed.

His head hit the pillow with a thump. She licked and kissed and sucked him, and she got as aroused by it as he did. Finally he sat up, took her face in his hands and claimed her mouth in a kiss that took her breath away.

"Lie down", he said when he broke the kiss, and it wasn't exactly an order. But it turned her on to think of it that way, and she did as she was told. In the next moment he was above her, spreading her legs and gently stroking her. When he found her wet and ready he locked eyes with her for a moment, and when she smiled up at him he entered her slowly, but in one long motion. She gasped and arched her back, trying to feel him as deeply as possible, and then she pulled him close, desperately needing as much contact as she could get. He buried his face in her neck, and when she heard him moan close to her ear it didn't take long until she felt the tension in her core build and finally release in sweet hot waves. He held still for a little while to let her ride it out, and then he picked up the pace and pushed himself over the edge, collapsing into her arms and almost crushing her with the whole weight of his body. He allowed himself to stay like that for a heartbeat and then pushed himself up on his elbows.

"You are amazing, Sam", he said once more, and it sounded so overwhelmed that she couldn't help but chuckle.

"Don't act so surprised, Colonel!"

There was pure love and adoration in her eyes, and he had to look away for a moment because it was too intense. He rolled on his side and pulled her close.

"I love you, Carter. Can you please be in my life forever?"

Fighting the tears she simply kissed his shoulder and said:

"Where else would I want to be?"

~o0o~

TBC – Epilogue coming up


	18. Chapter 18

Epilogue

Lt. Col. Samantha Carter's first action as leader of SG-1 was to assign a certain Lieutenant Jennifer Hailey as her new forth.

~o0o~

Col. Jack O'Neill scared the hell out of every single recruit who crossed his path, but those he passed became valuable members of their SG teams and still sang his praises years after. And those he failed tried a lot harder the second time.

~o0o~

Dr. Karen Shen was seated a her desk going through her paperwork when there was a knock on her office door. Amy held a parcel.

"This was in the mail, doctor. If you don't need me for anything I'd like to call it a day."

"Yes, Amy, that's OK. See you tomorrow."

The door closed behind her assistant and the doc opened the parcel. It was a box of exquisite dark chocolate, and there was a card attached to it. It showed a cartoon of a person lying on a couch and another seated at the side. The one on the chair was based on Sigmund Freud, and above his head was a speech bubble that said:

"And how do you feel about that?"

Dr. Shen smiled and flipped the card over. On the back it read:

"Sometimes those are actually quite fitting. Can't thank you enough, Doc. Yours, Jack O'Neill"

~o0o~

**Thank you so much to all of you who read and reviewed, followed and favorited. Because of you folks a little stand-alone became 17 ½ chapters. Who would have thought!**


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